An Attitude or a Chore?

“After all, you could have killed my whole family and me. But instead, you let me eat at your own table. Your Majesty, what more could I ask?”
II Samuel 19:28 CEV, Mephibosheth (Saul’s grandson, Jonathan’s son) speaking with King David

Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it. Mark Twain

Forgiveness. As I type the word, I think “chore.” I worry I’m missing out on letting the guilty party “have it.” But to GOD, forgiveness is an expression of HIS nature.

Occasionally, and I am ashamed to say it is truly rare, I catch a glimpse of myself in a moment of unforgiveness. I see the self-righteousness and self-justification and grab a look from outside myself. And it is all worthless. As the writer of Ecclesiastes says, all is vanity, a striving after the wind. My troubles, my disasters, my self-righteous anger amounts to nothing. I see myself and I have a heart of stone. If only I would lose my heart of stone, my stubbornness for self-justification, and have a more forgiving attitude, my relationship with others, my joy, would know no bounds. I could see others how GOD sees them and I could love them. I could focus on what GOD has called me to do.

But how do I have a more forgiving attitude? I’ve studied forgiveness extensively. I am a counselor and a graduate from seminary. If one were to look for an expert, religion and psychology would be the places to look. But more knowledge has not equated to more forgiveness. If anything, it has made me more hardened. More “right” in my own eyes. If they only “knew the truth,” then we could agree. Then we could get along. Maybe I could think about liking them. We need to wait on this love stuff.

I look to Biblical characters for practical guidance. And King David seems like a possibility. He was a world away from JESUS—temporally and sinner-wise. He murdered, committed adultery, and was a man of war. But he was called a man after GOD’s own heart (I Samuel 13:14, I Samuel 16:7, Acts 13:22). King David is such a dichotomy—someone worse than I am but yet had a relationship with GOD that I envy. Is that even a Christian striving? To envy and covet a relationship that he had with GOD.

I have always found it curious, what was it that GOD recognized in David that is in HIS own heart? He called him a man after HIS own heart. He recognized something. I used to think it was one thing—forgiveness. But now, as I write this blog, I realize it is a spaghetti of qualities—intertwined and interrelated aspects of GOD’s nature that cannot be parsed, separated or divided.

So what to do? Like any complex item, I reduce it to base parts. King David loved people, his neighbor. He lacked an ego. He forgave quickly. He sought GOD. Arrogance was not an issue with him. All these things and more play into David’s nature but I decide to focus on forgiveness. It is my current struggle. I struggle with the rest—but forgiveness is on the forefront.

Why do I say King David was quick to forgive? King Saul was anointed King of Israel. Because of his not obeying GOD’s command, GOD removed the kingdom from Saul and gave it to David. David is anointed King but Saul continues to reign. Repeatedly, and I emphasize, repeatedly Saul attempted to snuff out David’s life (I Samuel 15-31). David had ample opportunity to return the favor. Did he? He would have been justified. Saul tried to kill him. Again. And again. And again. Instead, he chose to stay his hand and not kill Saul. At the end of I Samuel, Saul is dead (by suicide). We begin II Samuel. I expect David to be ecstatic that Saul is dead. I say “finally, now David can reign for GOD.” But what do I find?

Then David took hold of his clothes and tore them and so did all the men who were with him. And they mourned and wept and fasted until evening for Saul and for Jonathan his son and for the people of the LORD and for the house of Israel, because they had fallen by the sword. II Samuel 1:11-12 ESV

What? He mourned? He tore his clothes and wept? Okay, maybe that was just a show but secretly he was glad Saul was dead, right? No, wait, read on. What did David do with the man that took credit for killing Saul? A young man thought he would find favor with David if he had killed Saul. So he took credit for the killing. Did he find favor? Then David called one of the young men and said, “Go, execute him.” And he struck him down so that he died. (II Samuel 1:15 ESV).

So this is all lovely and good but the rubber needs to hit the road. What does this story have anything to do with forgiveness? I ask myself “how do I know I’ve forgiven someone?” And I find one consistent answer (when I choose to listen to the answer). If I have truly forgiven a person, I experience sorrow at their demise or death. David grieved for Saul. To my unforgiving ears, where forgiveness is a chore, not a way of life, it rings odd. Out of tune with the real world. I say finally, Saul is dead. David said “It was easy to love Saul and Jonathan. Together in life, together in death, they were faster than eagles and stronger than lions.” II Samuel 1:23 CEV

With David, the death of Saul was something to be mourned. Saul had been personally selected by GOD to reign over HIS people. Saul disobeyed GOD. And David felt sorrow at the failure of Saul to obey GOD. Saul was missed when he died. And David mourned him. David had forgiven Saul for all the evil Saul sought to do to David.

Do we need to wait for our enemy to die before we know if we’ve forgiven them? Or for the impatient, let us help them along in their demise? No. But what about the next time I choose to think of the wrong I’ve experienced, I will extend a gift to the guilty party. My gift? I will choose to think a positive thought about them. At this point, that is all I can do. Think a good thought. It’s small but it’s a start. The road to a forgiving heart… not a destination but a process? Not a chore, but an attitude? A process that in the end works more me than the one I’ve forgiven?

 What’s your choice?